Sunday August 7th
Aries March 21 - April 20 : Today you will spend more time complaining about having to do something than it will actually take to do it.
Taurus April 21 - May 20 : If you are still wondering why Deb from accounting doesn't like you, just return her pen and all will be right in the office again.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 : Go ahead have a second piece of pie, you earned it.
Cancer June 21 - July 21 : That smell you have been trying to locate for a week is half eaten cheeseburger under the manual your Glovebox, it doesn't really matter how it got there, just that you will finally be able to close your windows again.
Leo July 22 - August 22: In this case "absence makes the heart grow fonder", will only ring true if you are permanently absent.
Virgo August 23 - September 22: Just being above the first floor doesn't make you invisible, close the blinds or start selling tickets.
Libra September 23 - October 22: "Duct tape fixes everything." will once again prove itself.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21: You will buy something today, and instantly regret it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21: Today you will feel uncomfortably happy, don't worry it will pass.
Capricorn December 22 - January 20: That farmer knows what you have been doing in his field, but knows if you know you will stop, your secret is safe with him.
Aquarius January 21 - February 19: Astoundlingly you actually can speak martian, it matters less that nobody believes you, more that it will never come in handy.
Pisces February 20 - March 20: The monster under your bed has you right where he wants you now that you have finally denied his existence and began sleeping soundly again.
Saturday August 6th
Aries March 21 - April 20 : You realize your obsession with collecting stickers has gotten out of control, when you are thrown out of the grocery store for removing every single one in the produce department.
Taurus April 21 - May 20 : Today you will win 356 jellybeans by correctly guessing the number of jellybeans in the jar, here's a hint, there are 356.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 : Forgetting the lantern wasn't such a big deal when setting up the tent, the headlights on the car worked fine, however the Jack Daniels and Budweiser you just mixed yourself, will help you remember it next time.
Cancer June 21 - July 21 : You always scoffed at the way dogs sniffed eachother when meeting. Now you are thinking that it may be a good precaution from now on.
Leo July 22 - August 22: Having "nothing to wear" is now a perfectly acceptable reason to leave the house naked, enjoy.
Virgo August 23 - September 22: Today your fear of water will suddenly be overtaken by your fear of fire.
Libra September 23 - October 22: Your hatred of ferrets just reflects a deeper hatred of self, you smelly little shiny object hoarder.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21: Having no idea how you bluffed your way through that interview, you might as well celebrate, you will once again be working for bigger idiots than you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21: Three years from now you will wonder why one of the few memories you retained from this year, was of an obese sweaty lady digging for money in her bra.
Capricorn December 22 - January 20: Write a song today, it will be terrible, you will make millions.
Aquarius January 21 - February 19: The winning lotto numbers for yesterday are 23 6 45 7 15 and 22, the stars hate everybody equally.
Pisces February 20 - March 20: After reading the instructions and warnings on the box of garbage bags you purchased, you will find yourself more confused than before reading them.
Friday August 5th
Aries March 21 - April 20 : The angels will smile down upon you today when a bird poops in your hair, as they are far too polite to laugh.
Taurus April 21 - May 20 : The overwhelming wave of depression that comes over you today, will be overrun by the hilarity that ensues when you realize you have nothing left but a plastic spork to jam into the socket in the wall.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 : It's turns out that "Honk if parts fall off" bumper sticker sticker you purchased will pay for itself when today it actually keeps your bumper from falling off.
Cancer June 21 - July 21 : At exactly 6:15 this evening you will be visited by three spirits, but it's ok, they are cheaper during happy hour.
Leo July 22 - August 22: Beware, those bathtub crayons you bought are only washable when used in the bathtub.
Virgo August 23 - September 22: The moped you bought is indeed fuel efficient and maneuverable, nonetheless, you will find the people traveling the road to Sturgis with you wholly unimpressed by it.
Libra September 23 - October 22: It is time to finally move on and get a new pair of lucky underpants, I promise the ones you are wearing will play no part in you getting lucky.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21: The check is in the mail, really this time.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21: The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, just look a little closer and you will find it is really a bunch of well trained hedgehogs that have been spray painted.
Capricorn December 22 - January 20: You will recieve a phone call from a long lost love today, sadly neither of you will be aware of it and the conversation will end in, "for the 5th time, I don't want any!!"
Aquarius January 21 - February 19: The ominous could outside your widow is for your neighbor with the barking labradoodle, just ignore it and proceed with your day.
Pisces February 20 - March 20: Even after changing your adress, credit card number, name and bank account. "Girls Gone Wild" has once again found you and is currently sending you 6 videos for which you have already been charged.
Thursday August 4th
Aries March 21 - April 20 : Despite all efforts to stop it, "Pop Goes The Weasel" will be stuck in your head all day long.
Taurus April 21 - May 20 : You will have the best day at work you have ever had, unfortunately it will also be your last.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 : You will learn a hard lesson in pranking gone too far, when your veterinarian realizes what you have done and informs you "your dog" has worms.
Cancer June 21 - July 21 : After coming out of your 7 year coma, you will be pleased to find, the word "cool" is still accepted as cool. Crunk, not so much.
Leo July 22 - August 22: While collecting things for a neighborhood garage sale, you discover you do not want any of your junk, but you want someone else to have it even less.
Virgo August 23 - September 22: You will once again forget to buy toilet paper on the way home, but fret not, the gods will smile upon you and have the lady at McDonalds give you an obscene amount of napkins.
Libra September 23 - October 22: While you are quite balanced today, the only empty washer at the laundry mat will not be.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21: Even though you were trying to do a good deed, you will realize the guy you took home is homeless for a reason.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21: After much contemplation, you decide the pizza left out on the counter is still fine, and it is.
Capricorn December 22 - January 20: Even though it defies logic, you will find that even the game peek-a-boo can be dangerous for someone as clumsy as yourself.
Aquarius January 21 - February 19: You are saddened to learn that your pet rock from your childhood, is really petrified dinosaur poop.
Pisces February 20 - March 20: You realize today that you need to cut back on the drinking, when you dial the "for a good time call" number on the bathroom wall, and it goes directly to your voicemail inbox.
Wednesday August 3rd
Aries March 21 - April 20 : While waiting in the dentists office today, do not attempt to blame your silent farts on the decorative fish in the tank, not even your 5 year old daughter will buy it.
Taurus April 21 - May 20 : There is NO candy in that green van, sorry to disappoint.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 : Today you will once again fail to choose the million dollar case on "Deal or No Deal". But that's ok, if you were really on the show instead of your couch, you would have taken the deal at twelve thousand.
Cancer June 21 - July 21 : To your dismay when you make a quick run to the store this evening for frozen pizza and a six pack, you will discover you left your pants in your other wallet.
Leo July 22 - August 22: Your suspicions are correct, your girlfriends cat is trying to kill you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22: This will be the perfect day to plan the Harry Potter all-weekend-long marathon party you have been dreaming of since he first joined gryffindor.
Libra September 23 - October 22: Pay no mind to the gawkers, they are just jealous.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21: For once in your life, the one-size-fits-all rack at the mall will actually be a perfect fit, do take full advantage.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21: Today while at work, you will encounter many jackasses, plan ahead, bring cake and a Taser.
Capricorn December 22 - January 20: Do not open the email marked "Very Funny" from your ex, not only is it not funny at all, but you will spend the rest of your day sending chain mail, for fear of bad luck.
Aquarius January 21 - February 19: Don't bother calling the maintenace guy unless you have renters insurance that covers water damage, just buy a new shower head with adjustable pressure.
Pisces February 20 - March 20: You will find yourself with a bad case of buyers remorse when you discover the X ray glasses you purchased (and waited months for) were not referring to college seniors, but actual seniors.